Dating through a healed lense.

I am sure I can speak for everyone, especially women that are dating in this day and age that it has become a very challenging thing! Try dating when you've started to heal yourself from all the trauma you've previously carried into every relationship. The chances of meeting someone that's either doing the same or has done the same is far and few. My road traveled through relationships hasn't been easy. I spent the better part of my 20's in a relationship and while it helped me grow, looking back I had no clue what I was doing. Fresh out of high school, I jumped into it headfirst and was completely engulfed in all of the fantasies and fairy tales I had created in my head of what I was supposed to do or expect. I was unknowingly carrying all of my childhood trauma, insecurities and perspectives around in a perfectly chaotic suitcase hoping to find someone to come and help carry it. At one point I was like every woman on the planet, waiting on my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet, build the perfect little family and live happily ever after.

See that suitcase that I had packed, was filled with a few failed relationships, two kids and the expectation of someone coming to relieve me of my suitcase. I realized after a couple of weeks with my therapist it wasn't going to happen quite that way. I remember going over my childhood and romantic relationships during one of our sessions and she mentioned that I had this cold look on my face whenever I talked about past experiences. My response was, "I mean, it is what it is," in which she responded "it's not." Her exact words to me were "you've been living your whole life in fight mode with the idea of just wanting to rest your head on someone's shoulder but unfortunately, you've been leaning on the wrong shoulders." Y'all I literally just sat with my mouth open because it had described the last 13 years of my life.

I've never thought I was broken or needed to fix myself. However, after a lot of self-reflection I believed my past relationships involved people I could not fully blame for all the wrong that happened. I played a part and them not working was deeper than I could understand.

Enter, therapy.

Going to therapy helped me realize there was a little girl inside of me who grew up not being loved properly and in turn looked for that love in men. I was showing up needing for someone so desperately to choose and love me and to feed my insecurities of not feeling like I was enough. My therapeutic journey taught me I don't need outside validation and I don't need to be saved, I AM ENOUGH! It wasn't an easy process coming to this realization.

One of the greatest lessons I learned in therapy was SOLITUDE, learning to sit and deal with myself. At first it seemed impossible, because it was something I had never done and was so afraid to do because I would be forced to be alone with my thoughts and who I really was. It took weeks and months of me literally shutting out the world and just being alone, taking myself on dates, I even traveled out of the country by myself. I was on a mission to really learn who I really was, figure out what I wanted, learn my triggers and how to deal with them. During this process I found peace. I started to analyze my past relationships, not beat myself up about them not working but look at them from a different lense, a healed lense. Let me just say y'all, this lense makes dating just a tad bit difficult. I started therapy believing I would come out on the other side healed, now that I am on the other side I have realized it's not about being completely healed but embracing the journey. On this journey there are 3 things that I have learned to keep in the forefront of dating:

Emotional Intelligence

This process has taught me to be aware of and to learn how to articulate my emotions. I've learned I can't operate in a space where someone doesn't know how to do the same. So going forward I always ask the question of "How well are you able to understand and process your emotions?"

Red Flags/Non-Negotiables

We all have what we like to call red flags or things that make us say no to someone we are pursuing. For me, in the past I ignored all the red flags because I so badly wanted to see the good in a person and to be honest, I had no clue what my non-negotiable were. Dating while healing is teaching me that dating is a learning process, each interaction helps you to figure what you like and don't like. Learn how to stand firm in what you will and won't allow.

Expectations

Before this process started, I didn't know how to properly communicate my expectations, my thought process was you should just know, right? That belief didn't get me anywhere but frustrated and contributed to my feelings being hurt because my needs were not being met. We often times set our partners up for failure by not communicating our expectations of them but also setting unrealistic expectations. Go forward knowing that no one is perfect!

Patiently waiting in peace.

This journey has taught me that before I bring someone in my life, I must learn to be OK with myself first. I remember after a few sessions of therapy, I was beginning to gain some peace and I noticed my hard edges were starting to soften. So from that moment I chose to intentionally operate in that space and anything or anyone that disrupted that energy, remove myself from it. I am also learning to be OK with not having the answers on how it's all going to work out but more so enjoying the process of what dating has to offer, owning who I am and living in the moment!

-Beauty